In this blog post I will be responding to a question from my guided journal, My Trichster Diaries. Please feel free to share your answer in the comments below.
Woo-wee! This is going to be a good one. Let's dive right in.
How does it start?
I start pulling for two different reasons: something itches or something is out of place. Both reasons will prompt me to pull with no regard to where I am or what I'm doing. A seemingly innocent itch on my eyelid takes me away from my laptop. A quick glance as I pass a mirror keeps me rooted there. Ding! Ding! Ding! My trichotillomania is activated.
Have you ever had a mosquito bite that you didn't even know you had until after you started scratching it? That's often how I find my fingers clutching an eyelash. My brain tells me that a part of my eyelid itches and in order to relieve that itch I need to tug on the eyelashes there. Miraculously the sensation disappears when an eyelash is pulled...only to come back again to the eyelash next to it. This also happens on my scalp and did on my eyebrows when I pulled them.
Here's another question for you. Have you ever noticed a long wiry eyebrow hair that for whatever reason is poking straight out while the others are laying flat? When you tried to blend it in and it poked out again did you then try to pull it out? That's how it feels for me when I notice a hair is out of place. This includes any hair on my body, not just my eyebrows, eyelashes, and scalp hair. If it doesn't belong there, I will pull it out.
The issue is that not only can hairs look out of place, they can also feel out of place. To someone without trichotillomania, the hairs on my lap might all look the same and so they might wonder why I decided to pull them out but to someone in the trichotillomania community they'd only need to feel it to know exactly why.
How long does it last?
When I first started pulling out my hair 23 years ago I would've answered: ALL DAY! And sometimes that is still my answer—the trich trance is no joke. Some days are harder than others.
If my trichotillomania is triggered from an itch I find myself pulling for much longer and have to try much harder to stop. The itch typically doesn't go away after pulling one hair but instead spreads and intensifies.
If my trichotillomania is triggered because something is out of place I find it easier to stop myself after a short period of time because I am satisfied almost immediately after the hair is removed.
How does it end?
Sometimes I have no other choice but to continue pulling until my trichotillomania is satisfied. This ultimately leads to my most devastating hair loss. Let me be clear: I don't want to be pulling but during these more intense episodes none of my strategies will help. I just have to ride the wave and hope I don't drown.
Other times my pulling stops quickly because I can redirect the behavior with one of my strategies or I feel satisfied because I removed a hair that was out of place.
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