How many of us started our body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) as children? How many of us learned that BFRBs are chronic conditions? How many of us feel hopeless because of this information?
Living with a BFRB is challenging, to put it lightly. Many of us develop our BFRBs as children and it persists throughout our lifetime. The severity may wax and wane but it is always there. Because of this, it is easy to fall into a pit of hopelessness. I'm going to share how I got out of mine.
Acknowledging Feelings: Good and Bad
Notice how I didn't say "dwell" but instead used the word "acknowledge." It is natural and human to have bad days, no matter if you have a BFRB or not. I acknowledge my feelings, even the bad ones but I don't live with them.
Let me give you an example: After a big pulling spree I used to look in the mirror and tell myself that I was a failure. I'd say things like, "I can't believe I keep doing this. I am horrible. What a mess." My feelings were valid during that moment, but they weren't 100% true. I had to gently remind myself that I wasn't a horrible person and this condition wasn't in my control. I was doing the best I could but sometimes that meant pulling. I'm still deserving of love, especially from myself.
I acknowledged and validated my experience and then gently reminded myself of the truth. This act made my bad feelings go away instead of lasting the whole day or worse, bleeding into the next day like they used to.
No Cure = Freedom to Explore
This is really where the hopelessness came into play. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that there is no known cure for the condition that I felt was "absolutely ruining my life."
Even though I knew there was no cure I was still looking at every management strategy as the one to cure me. "If I just work hard enough then this will be the one." Sound familiar? But what happened as I worked toward finding the cure? I hated every management strategy, I never thought any were successful, AND I hated myself because I thought I wasn't trying hard enough. LIES!
If there isn't a cure for trichotillomania then why am I putting such intense pressure on myself to stop completely? It is unrealistic and keeps me in this pit of hopelessness. Instead, I tried to look at things a little differently.
If I look back on all the BFRB management tools I tried during my "cure tour" I could see that many of them did in fact work for a period of time. If I didn't have tunnel vision, I could've been building my BFRB toolkit. I know now that BFRB management isn't about finding one thing that works 100% of the time but instead many things that together work a lot of the time.
There can be joy in trying new things! That is what makes BFRB management FUN and not a complete drag. I never would've thought to try something as fun as diamond painting and yet, it helps my trichotillomania so much! I just learned how to do bead embroidery and it helps too! Now I get to have and wear pretty things that I made!
Get Out of Your Head and Into the World
Sitting alone in your pit of hopelessness may seem like the easier thing to do. Who wants to work hard and climb out? But once you work toward the top, you'll see that there are hands waiting to help you up. The BFRB community is the most supportive and wonderful community in the world. There truly is no better feeling than meeting someone who understands you on such a deep and personal level.
I often think about the things I used to say to myself and how I would NEVER EVER say them to someone else in the BFRB community. Why am I saying them to myself then? Being able to celebrate others but I don't celebrate myself? It is like the most beautiful wakeup call that leads to growth and healing.
When you meet others who have let go of their hopelessness and instead are forging new paths for themselves you'll become inspired! It'll help you realize that although we may have our BFRBs for life it isn't a death sentence.
To learn more about my mindset or work with me as a peer coach, please visit barbaralally.com/habitaware
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