I live WITH trichotillomania. I live WITHOUT shame.

Most people with trichotillomania or other body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) have at one point lived with shame. Crippling shame. All encompassing shame. Never ending shame.

The shame began when our BFRB began. From that first pull, pick, or bite, something inside us said, "I am bad." It didn't help that many of us were children. I also didn't help that we had never seen anyone experiencing what we were. It solidified that we were bad and that we shouldn't tell anyone—ever.

After speaking with hundreds of people in the BFRB community, I feel confident saying this. It also happened to me.

But not telling people isn't the only way that shame continued in us. People's reactions to our disorder furthered those feelings too.

I vividly remember classmates gawking at my eyebrow-less face. Asking question after question that I couldn't answer—not because I didn't know what to say—I knew my disorder was called trichotillomania—but because I couldn't figure out how to make someone my age understand it. How could I possibly share that I was pulling them out? They'd think even less of me, I just knew it.

So I hid my trichotillomania as best as I could and lived in shame.

I don't know about you but living in shame is exhausting. It really does get old after a while and honestly, I couldn't take it anymore.

I HAVE TO GET THIS OUT!

I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!

THIS CAN'T BE HOW MY LIFE IS!

Granted, I lived that way for 17 years so I did try to grin and bear it for as long as I could. But once I started sharing with others on the internet, I wished I had started sooner.

I started to feel lighter. I found others just like me and it made me question my self-talk—I knew it was bad but by meeting others I was able to say to myself, Would you ever talk to _____ that way? No? Okay don't talk to yourself that way. I was healing!

I saw others live without shame and I wanted to be there. So I got there.

What was holding me back from being open about this? Potential ridicule from people I don't really even care about? Strangers thinking I'm weird? I mean, even typing that is so silly to me because ew! Those people don't matter! Am I going to live my life in shame because of them? Absolutely not.

Do I really give a shit about what other people think? NOPE!

No one can hurt me because I turned the thing I hated most about myself into something that brings me endless joy. Can they say the same?