When my friend, Shaina, texted me that a book she was reading mentioned trichotillomania, I instantly ran to the Libby app and placed it on hold. I had to wait a few weeks until I was able to borrow it but I was excited to see how this author depicted trichotillomania. I wondered if I'd like it. I usually don't but I'll never give up hope!
When the book became available I jumped right into it. I also made a mental note to watch the movie after I finished the book because the cover said it was on Netflix. A book and movie that mentions trichotillomania? I must be dreaming!
SPOILERS AHEAD. READ WITH CAUTION.
Although my eyes were peeled for any hint or mention of trichotillomania, right away I noticed that another body-focused repetitive behavior (BFRB) was mentioned quite a bit: nail biting.
There is so much within these highlighted sections that I relate to. From the very beginning, "You shouldn't bite your nails." I heard it as "You shouldn't pull your hair" but it hurt just the same. All I wanted to do was stop but yet I couldn't. Falling into the "trich trance" only to snap out of it and realize you are with other people who may have witnessed it. The sense of shame and paranoia that follows. The negative self-talk that comes too easily. Even beginning the BFRB around age 10!
This author seems to have insight into what it means to have a BFRB. I am pleased and eager to stumble upon trichotillomania.
I continue reading...
When I read this section my jaw dropped. It was referred to by name! I was NOT expecting that! I often find that authors will hint at trichotillomania without ever saying its name. That is what usually upsets me! I often wish authors just said it—I even have a chapter of my book The Trichster Diaries that talks about this! So when my eyes read "trichotillomania" I was stunned in the best way possible.
As someone who has trichotillomania I feel this highlighted section did me and the disorder justice. It is packed with good information that even people without trichotillomania or BFRBs can benefit from. The mention of it being hereditary (very true in some cases!), how she feels self-conscious about it, and how people pull from different areas of their body all match up to what I've personally experienced.
I continue reading....
Reading the rest of this book was challenging not because I didn't like it but because it was scary! There is a HUGE twist that I won't go into but let's just say, I stopped reading before bed. This book was promoted into a "only read during the daytime book."
The last sections that I highlighted show more insight into what it means to live with a BFRB and that more than one BFRB can be present at a time. Many people have more than one throughout their lifetime and this character was no different. There is mention of skin-picking, hair-pulling, and nail biting. There is mention of blood which is a common result when engaging in BFRBs but rarely spoken about.
I enjoyed the realness in the way the character fell into this darker place with their BFRB. I've personally felt this way when my trichotillomania was at its worst. Feeling like I had no control over my pulling and that this is just who I am, even though it was just me at the most extreme. It's like my trichotillomania brain takes over and I'm not able to think clearly. The "trich trance" is in full swing. "You shouldn't pull your hair" comes from somewhere deep inside me yet I cannot stop.
I remember running my fingers through my hair and finding bald spots and trying to make excuses for why they were there. I didn't want to admit that I was the one pulling out my hair. I wanted to use any excuse I could and often the ones I used were just like what was mentioned above, "Maybe it was stress? Some kind of reaction." Not because of me.
I finished this book and sat for a while. Thinking about how everything turned out. Thinking about how the author did, in my opinion, a great job at describing BFRBs. I still couldn't get over the fact that trichotillomania was referred to by name. Gosh, I LOVED that! I couldn't wait to watch the movie.
The second Jesse Plemons popped on the screen I thought, This is going to be a good one! and it was BUT things were different as they often are with book adaptations. Some of the changes I could get behind. The biggest upset of all: all BFRBs were cut from the movie.
I could not believe it. I was speechless. From a book that so willingly named a common but virtually unknown disorder and did it justice to a movie where it was not mentioned at all just felt wrong. Very wrong. I watched each character closely and not one even came close to exhibiting a BFRB. I held my breath as the character's hand seemed to move closer to her hair, This is it! I thought but no. No. No. No.
I was left feeling sad and disappointed. There was an opportunity to spread awareness that not only wasn't taken but was purposefully denied. That sucks. I'm grateful the author included so many BFRBs but I do wish that the director stayed true to that part of the book. It could've been beautiful.