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Why being "Pull-Free" doesn't make sense for me

I've been pulling out my hair for almost twenty-two years.

During those years I tried absolutely everything in my power to stop pulling. Every. Single. Thing. Going to as many doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, medical students, etc. as I could. Trying different styles of therapy, different medication combinations. What was the result? I still pulled out my hair.

Now that is not to say that trying all of those things didn't help me in some way, because it did help, just not in the way I wanted them to.

My goal since the moment I first pulled out my eyebrow hair was to STOP. FULL STOP. Any hair that I pulled from that moment on made me a failure. The severe pressure that I put on myself at ten years old was crushing.

After years of battling with my trichotillomania, thinking I had it under control only for it to rear it's ugly head again, made me dizzy. I couldn't keep living like this. I wanted to stop fighting and face the facts.

Trichotillomania is a chronic disorder. There is no known cure. Statistically it is extremely unlikely for me to ever stop so why am I wasting all of this energy fighting a losing battle?

I had to change my goal. Being pull-free is not an option for me, my trichotillomania has reminded me of that many times, but I can be shame-free. I can learn to give myself grace when I pull. I can start speaking to myself kindly and supportively. I can remind myself that no matter if I pull or not, I am deserving of love, kindness, and support. If I pull less because of that, I'm happy. If I pull the same amount, you guessed it, I'm happy.

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